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| no more entries, new site.
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| hmm i came to the realization that if happiness is all i felt, then i
wouldn't really get to cherish it/enjoy it. so i have to endure this
stupid apathetic state. hope it passes.
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| I was privatizing my entries for awhile, and then I was like
eh.............. why am I being guarded...... whoever reads this is 1)
someone who's bored, or 2) someone who cares, and neither have any
malicious plans.... so whatever.
I wrote a poem for poetry recently, and it basically sums up how I
feel. (assignment was to have line breaks to emphasize words, or
something)
Empty
Happiness visits
When
I run, flip, swim, drink, dance,
But itquickly
Disappears.
Why won’t it
Stay?
My heart
Grows cold.
No longer
Do I begin each day
Waking with a smile
No longer
Do I
Sigh with happiness
No longer
Do I
Get the butterflies
In my stomach
When I see
Pretty girls.
I
want happiness
To
warm
my heart.
I
want
to
feel.
I
want
to
love.
I just feel so empty. It's frustrating. When I watch my sappy movies, I
no longer get that [happysigh] feeling that I talked about previously.
I don't get that feeling anymore!!!!!! this sucks, I just feel like I'm
in a slump. I can temporarily relieve it by doing one of my various
hobbies, but eventually that goes away. Am I just being weird?
-
If there's one thing I hate, it's being guarded. I've been burned by
guarded people (or was it my fault for being too open, I dunno.......)
and I don't ever want anyone to feel that I have anything to hide from
him/her.
ughh.
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| So I was thinking the other day about how I don't believe in fate. The notion that I am not in control of my life is kinda... well weird to me. If fate controlled all things, then everything I do would be pointless right? "Fate" would take care of things; I wouldn't have to study, I wouldn't have to work out, etc.
But then I thought about how NOT in control I am, even if fate has nothing to do with it. If I go to a job interview, I am powerless if I am liked, get the job, etc. If I'm playing bball outside, and a gust of wind decides to blow my ball off course (which is what happens every time I miss), then I have no control. So, I realized that in the big scheme of things, I'm actually NOT very in control at all.
So I then thought about the point of "being in control". Why try if you can't make a difference? Well, although I might not be able to change something in the big picture, I am able to make a difference in my own little world. I can study hard to get a good job, I can work out to stay in shape, I can make my mom happy by doing anything she asks and in turn making myself happy, I can maintain relationships with those close to me, and many other things.
whee.
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| Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all
fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the
face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that
you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of
thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked.
yay. don't let fear of embarrasment stop you from doing anything. really applies to my life.
TBC.
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